How I’m Healing My Adrenals Part One
Okay so I know there’s a big debate about “adrenal fatigue” and if it even exists. An alternative title could have been How I’m Lowering My Stress Levels and Changing My Life but that doesn’t have much of a ring to it. Regardless of the actual diagnosis, I’ve made some changes and am seeing benefits. This is my personal story, not medical advice. Your mileage may vary.
So first my symptoms: Let’s go back 40 years to my childhood. I was called “bashful” by my parents but I think that maybe I had an anxious personality. I’m a typical first born, people pleasing perfectionist who’d rather learn a new task from a book, on my own, then try it for the first time and be an expert. Or at least be better at it than others. Which means, by default, I’m constantly comparing myself to others. Can you imagine how this works in a student midwife’s life? I was a wreck.
What if’s ruled my thoughts. As in, “What if her uterus comes out? Do I know how to handle it?” Yeah, fun times.
Would I ever be able to think and perform like my seasoned preceptor?
I was extremely jumpy. Hearing a ring tone, whether it was on my phone or a stranger’s in public, that was assigned to my preceptor or client would give me a surge of adrenaline, causing my heart to race, my stomach to sink, and my mind to fill with dread.
If Shane asked me if I was likely to go to a birth on any given night, I’d freak out on him and my body would react like I described above. I begged him to not make birth small talk.
I’d fight my way all the way to Wichita Falls (an hour drive) forcing myself to not turn around and go home when someone was in labor.
In spite of a stellar(ish) diet, weight wouldn’t budge.
Loud sounds startled me, I was easily overwhelmed.
Brain fog and memory trouble.
This carried over into my first year of midwifery. I hoped a license would help me feel more official and less jumpy but it only added to it. After all, if I have a license, I must be an expert and know all the things. Knowing I still had (and still do have) plenty to learn just made me feel like an imposter.
I’d experienced a couple of very hard births and to be pro-active (I told myself-but I was already traumatized) I saw a trauma counselor. We worked on the trauma and I had a great season of personal growth. I was suffering from aphasia (can’t find the word you’re looking for) and told my counselor that it was probably a long hauler Covid symptom. She said, “It could be that…or it could be stress….” Well when I left the practice, taking four months off from birth work, my words came back. It was stress.
Thanks to our savings, I was able to take off and wait on God to show me the next thing. I thought it might be a version of midwifery that mainly included prenatal care, no births. I really wanted it to be so. Really. Really. Wanted. It. To. Be.
I prayed, planned, prayed, stressed, and cried about what was next. I enjoyed a slow pace and personal discovery in those months, but I also went through some very gut wrenching and dark moments attempting to become involved in the pro-life ministry called Wise Choices that Shane and I started years ago. They were going through their own hard spot and it wasn’t the right time for me to jump back in. Since I was one of three founding members, this felt like major rejection and was one of the most painful times of my life.
The silver lining here is that Shane and I were forced to do some deep marriage work to survive this very rough time. Here he was leading the organization I helped start but wasn’t being “allowed” to rejoin (I’d only left to take care of our growing family years ago). Obviously there’s more to this than is appropriate for this blog post but the bottom line for stress is that if there’s relationship work to be done, you’d better do it, even if it’s ugly and hard. Otherwise the daily tension just under the surface will take its toll.
I’d say my “rock bottom” regarding stress was my last four to six months at the Wichita Falls birth center. All that anxiety I carry, the trauma, my own unrealistic expectations, along with some bumps in the road just about wiped me out. I hated birth. I loved prenatal visits, I adored my clients and my coworkers but I’d be so very nervous at births that I hated it and would ask myself, “why are you even here?”
Things started to turn around with the four months off call, strengthening my marriage, paring down my social obligations, and digging deeper spiritually. What happened next really changed my life. I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in years. I’m so excited to share what’s working for me now.